skjdhkhs hi this is so weird. it's 2020! my very first post in 3 years i think? remember when i posted about how tough being a architecture student was. yeah now that's all over i stopped telling myself i could do it because i couldn't. im 21 years old now by the way! i started posting blog tutorials when i was 11 LOL it's been 10 years... i dont think people need them tutorials anymore do they? anyway, life hasnt gone as planned, we have covid-19 now, and i still have a couple more years until i graduate and finish my degree. to be honest im not happy with my life, i never thought i'd actually make it til 21 but here i am. if i had a time travelling machine and i would go back to 11 year old me sitting in front of the laptop writing blog tutorials and tell her you'd turn into a big disappointment in the future so it'd be best to just kill yourself now. im stuck between being alive and being dead. i dont want to sound corny or cheesy LOLLL i personally think my mentality is unattractive and most of the time i'd deny what ive actually been feeling. it feels so good to finally get this off my chest. i havent told anyone about it, not that i want them to know, i wish i could unknow what i feel, but then again i dont really know what it is that i feel. i guess it's all emptiness? like the sole reason to wake up every day is to sleep again. an endless circle of pointlessness me thinks.

    out of all the things i thought i could be, i am nothing of them today. i feel like im too young to feel this way, but i cant just ignore what i feel and act like everythings okay. ive lost interest in all the things i used to be passionate about. i dont paint/draw anymore. i have never been good at it anyway. i feel like i had too many hobbies when i was a kid, like i used to try everything but i couldnt be good at any of them, i was either mediocre or bad at it. so i dont think im good at anything?? im not smart, science? no math? no. language? barely. art? no. music? no. however i get this feeling once in awhile where this one thing im good at is waiting for me to discover it. god knows how many more years or decades it will take. maybe i havent tried hard enough. ANYWAY, nothings really changed in my life hhahahkhsj except we moved into a new place, and thats it. ew im getting all emotional with this life stuff so disgusting feelings are disgusting. alright bye!! (also how the hell do i have 300+ followers, if you're one of them and reading this, welcome back and thank you for staying!!) <3 

goodbye, i WILL post again in the near future.