hi. i'll be leaving tomorrow, and somehow i feel like i dont want to? you know. like, regret, guilt, and emptiness all rolled into one big ball of vomit. i hope im doing the right thing. whatever it is, i hope i become a better, healthier person. bcs im currently sick, my head hurts, stomach hurts, my left side of the body hurts, and the dr said there might be something wrong with my heart but idk im too scared to go have it checked lmfao i know its dumb. but if something is wrong with me, i just want my life in the now to be the way i want it to be. i want to spend every second of my life LOVING it and not spending it doing things i dont like. idk man. but this feels odd and in a way, eerie. i'll miss my mom. shes been super helpful these past weeks. shes helped me with my breathing, with my food, with my meds. i'll miss her the most. ive stayed at home a year and a half, and yet it feels like ive only been here a week. it feels like i was never present, physically i mightve been, but mentally i never was. i was never here. i never put my mind to it. to living in the moment. i dont remember most of the things and events that'd happened in the house in the past year. i dont remember which month it was when i went to get my driving license, or when i went to the dentist, or when i got vaccinated. it all feels blurry, i dont remember a thing and its crazy. my mind was never here. i just wanted to leave, and here i go, and yet i dont want to. i think im just scared and terrified of being alone. bcs ive been here for a year, even though it never felt like i have. im scared of facing the outside world again, but i want to. but the idea of it terrifies me. what if i dont make it? im scared. and im sick to death. most nights i cant breathe, i cant sleep, but knowing that im home helps. and knowing that i'll be leaving home doesnt. whatever it is, nobody can really help me anyway, not even the doctor who told me to consume 4 different types of meds the other day bcs i just got worse lol. if i die, it'd upset me knowing i spent the last year of my life being depressed and useless. i just hope im given the chance to do things i want to do and then die. just, let me live before i die. 

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