hi! ive literally lost track of time. i have no idea what day it is today and i dont feel like checking bcs even if i did it wouldnt matter. every day is the same, i wake up and eat and take a shower and watch a movie or tv show and talk to a couple friends on discord and play valorant and sleep. some days i feel motivated to do stuff like cook or draw or paint, but the minute i start doing all that my whole body shuts down. its like my body overheats and just fucking decides not to do shit anymore. i dont know if thats common among young people like me or maybe its just me. i cant even go out bcs of covid, and im not allowed to, like if i told my mom i wanted to go out to grab some food she'd just tell me to use foodpanda. theres really no excuse. i have lost interest in everything i once was passionate about. not that i had that many passions tbh. life just becomes duller and it just fades away as the days go by. i cant wait to go back to campus and get some sun and not spend too much time stuck in the dark in front of the laptop waiting for some magic to happen bcs thats me every day. i just hate myself so much bcs i feel like i radiate so much negative energy and every word i say or type just makes people uncomfortable but i cant help it. do i radiate negative energy or do i try so hard to sound positive that it sounds fake? people might think im "doing" all this to get attention when in fact im faking everything to stay out of people's sights and not let them know im struggling. im overwhelmed by my own negative aura every day ive become immune to sadness and anger. i sometimes get super sad or super angry, then a minute later i calm down bcs i know being sad or angry does nothing to me as calming down does. except it tires me down a lot more than just sitting and zoning out. i dont know what to say anymore because im sad yet im so calm bcs im so used to feeling sad over nothing, now i dont know what to feel or what aura to exude, but i hope people dont feel uncomfortable around me, i just want people to see me as a normal person who feels the same emotions as them. im capable of feeling happy and doing productive things in my daily life. 

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