how do people just wake up each day and find the positivity in things. how do they wake up and instantly know what they're about to do and that they are motivated enough to do it. is it just motivation or is it more than that. is it me? am i in the wrong? am i living life the wrong way? why cant i find joy in everything i do, even in the things i am interested in. is it just me or has life lost its meaning? im so sorry i am drowning in my negativity once again. im in my comfort zone, and it isnt even comfortable. i used to cry and groan and scream because of all the pain. now i wonder is it really pain that i feel. is it really sadness thats in me. am i sad or am i empty? because frankly, i dont know anymore. my feelings are full of emotions, and my emotions are nothing. i feel absolutely nothing. i have nothing to do, nothing to share, nothing makes me happy. and it took me 22 years to realise that. ive never had actual dreams, the things i thought i wanted to be, werent real. i was looking for something to live for just to be here today and find out that im living for nothing but inevitable death. i dont know if i want to be happy, or i just want something to live for. dreams, ambitions, interests, hobbies. i am a person who has nothing to be proud of, a person with 0 dreams, nothing to achieve, no goals. is it bcs i keep trying to enjoy myself doing shit i force myself to like? isnt that what dreams are about? shouldnt my goals motivate me to be a better person? why didnt mine motivate me? or were they my goals at all? did i not have any? every day i try to find things to do, and i end up doing nothing. i tried digital painting, singing, writing, nothing ever worked. to be honest, i dont know what i want to be, i dont know what i enjoy doing, i dont know if life is worth it. if i were to die when i was a kid maybe it didnt have to be this complex. whats the difference between dying, floating in the void, in such emptiness, than living a dull life with nobody and nothing to live for? for a while i thought i was depressed, maybe i was just empty. maybe i didnt know what i wanted, maybe i havent figured it out. maybe it is depression after all, but i'd rather feel depressed than feel empty. 

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