hi! i dont want to get into some deep shitty topic but i cant help it lmaOOoooO this is such a waste of time whatever. i know we all have been thinking of having the chance to choose the course of your life, you have these unlimited opportunities to be reborn and relive the lives you hadnt, to be reborn into a different family, with a different look, with a different identity, a different name, and its all up to you. i just think it's sad how the closest thing i can get to having that ability is by assuming the things that could happen if some things in my life were slightly different, like i dont know if my life right now would be the same if i didnt choose architecture, if i did choose architecture and stayed, or if i chose something else, if i wanted to be a lawyer, or if i had no interest in art/music or if i stopped being friends with some people, or if i didnt meet some people, if i went somewhere else the day i went to the place i did, if i didnt run into an old friend, if i didnt say something i said that one day, if i said something else, if i was more ambitious, if i didnt tell my boyfriend i liked him, if i were more religious, if i dated somebody else, if i didnt go to the 2017 camping trip. huge or little, these things happened and they somehow brought me here, and i cant say im not the main reason behind this. i guess im just scared of the possibilities that could happen if i made a decision. i just dont choose or decide things anymore. sometimes i just let things slide and let time do its work. the best thing to choose is not to, the best risk to take is the risk of not taking any. i may sound stupid, but i hope some people agree with me. maybe i'll be motivated or i'll change once im older, not that im doing anything to change myself, like i said im letting time do its job. believe it or not ive never wanted to get married, when i was a kid i thought i would, but once my parents got divorced i just thought its possible for a couple who were once in love with each other to fall out of it. and i said if i didnt get married i wouldnt have to be afraid of getting divorced. if i didnt have kids, i wouldnt have to be afraid of them getting kidnapped. if i didnt choose, i wouldnt have to be afraid of the consequences the choices might bring. i know you're cringing super hard right now but this is exactly what ive been feeling. and this is why i suck at making decisions, why i have commitment issues too. im so bad at life, and i think other people are too. sometimes we just forget its actually tough to wake up every day and study or go to work to get money and to eat and to talk to people and to pretend its normal to live a boring life. you can travel the whole world, you can go shopping all you want, you can have all the things you want in the entire universe, you can have all your dreams come true, and once you achieve all that you'll no longer dream. i guess im just sad that i often think the choices ive made in life brought me here. it's nobody's fault but mine. i have nobody to blame but me

goodbye!! please if you read the whole thing and you know me, do not mention this do not talk about this just let this stay here i just want this off my mind for a bit, im okay though!!